You know, I've really been having such a hard time this past month trying to figure out what direction I'm supposed to be headed. With school, work, this gospel....this life! Up until Sunday I felt so overwhelmed by the fact that I felt so lost and confused about what I was supposed to be doing. If you read my last blog post you're probably thinking that I'd already come to the conclusion of going on a mission. But since having made that decision, I've still felt lost, and quite frankly....scared. Not of going on a mission...because I can only tell you how much my heart desires to serve a mission. But I just haven't felt right this past week.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to study in school....I guess you could say I've been thinking for the past two years what I want to do in school. Let me tell you about this long list of things I've thought about studying...music education, music composition, photography, religious education(seminary/institute), ASL interpreting, ASL education....each and every one of these things I have studied a little bit about. Music is my life....I can't stand being away from it as much as I have this year because of the fact that I decided to try the sign language route. ASL is amazing and so much fun! But...I don't feel satisfied making it a career...I just feel that I'm not putting enough effort and passion into it. Photography...whether I study it or not, it will always be there. Religious education is my most recent interest. I've been going to institute for the past year, and I love listening and hearing from these teachers. I love learning about this gospel, and I love teaching it! I love being a relief society teacher...it makes my heart so happy.
So then....how do I choose?
This was my big question going into general conference, and even though I still have a few talks left to listen to, I still haven't seemed to find an answer.
This last Sunday, I was beginning to feel like there was something I was missing...something I wasn't understanding...
After I had gone to a lesson with the missionaries on Sunday night, I decided to stop by the temple, rather than go straight home. I know I know....the temple is closed on Sundays...
...But in that moment, I needed to be as close to my heavenly father as possible, I knew that the closer I was to Him, the farther away I'd be from Satan's influence. I knew I needed to talk to my heavenly father with little to no distractions in order to understand why I wasn't feeling right.
When I pulled up I just parked my car as close to the temple as I could, and said a prayer....
So many thoughts began flooding my mind, but one small, still, voice stuck out...'just follow God'. I knew for a fact that these three words did not come from myself...I knew they came from the Holy Spirit. I truly knew it, and there really was no mistaking it because I felt so much peace and comfort from that simple phrase. It was amazing. After this, I went straight into my scriptures, but it wasn't something I read that actually kind of answered my questions...it was something I remembered. The Holy Spirit reminded me of my patriarchal blessing and the answers that I suddenly realized were in it. As I sat there I could hear the patriarch retelling me the answers I needed so desperately to hear at this time of need.
I could remember one of the blessings I would receive in teaching others...and another was that no matter if I chose to serve a mission or not, it would be a good decision. At that moment, I knew that everything was going to workout as long as I followed the words of the spirit. Just follow God.....keep His commandments, trust in His timing, listen to the words of the prophets, and quite frankly the words of my patriarch. I have been told to listen to the council I receive, and I now have no problem doing so. I know I will have some hard times in the future. But right now, I'm so grateful for the simple words that impressed me so much that night. I know with all my heart that this gospel is true, and I know that my Heavenly Father is pleased with all that I do to try my best in following Him. Even more so now than before. Our Heavenly Father is truly amazing, and I love Him so much. Because of Him and the gift of the Holy Ghost that I received after my baptism, I am able to have that constant companionship...and I can feel it with every decision I make. I don't know where I would be without him...but I know for a fact I wouldn't be as happy.
I could remember one of the blessings I would receive in teaching others...and another was that no matter if I chose to serve a mission or not, it would be a good decision. At that moment, I knew that everything was going to workout as long as I followed the words of the spirit. Just follow God.....keep His commandments, trust in His timing, listen to the words of the prophets, and quite frankly the words of my patriarch. I have been told to listen to the council I receive, and I now have no problem doing so. I know I will have some hard times in the future. But right now, I'm so grateful for the simple words that impressed me so much that night. I know with all my heart that this gospel is true, and I know that my Heavenly Father is pleased with all that I do to try my best in following Him. Even more so now than before. Our Heavenly Father is truly amazing, and I love Him so much. Because of Him and the gift of the Holy Ghost that I received after my baptism, I am able to have that constant companionship...and I can feel it with every decision I make. I don't know where I would be without him...but I know for a fact I wouldn't be as happy.
